Thanks For Staying on the Winning Team
by Citizenjess
Summary: Magneto eases into his leadership of the Brotherhood, aka Team Crappy Apartment.


Summary: Magneto eases into his leadership of the Brotherhood, aka Team Crappy Apartment, as Patton Oswalt once put it. Credit also goes to him for the title. Written using the "Beta" prompt set from 1sentence.

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><p><strong>Thanks For Staying on the Winning Team<strong>

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><p>01. Walking: Azazel transports their rag-tag Brotherhood to a grassy field somewhere to get them off of the beach, and Magneto pointedly ignores Angel's hissed "geez, you couldn't have dropped him off at a hospital or something?" in favor of pacing.<p>

02. Waltz: Azazel and Mystique seem to be dancing around one another, each choreographed move rife with sexual tension, and if Magneto cared more about fostering good employee relations, he would probably at least give Mystique some kind of brotherly/paternal sex talk or something; as it stands, he does not.

03. Wishes: Sometimes, Emma wishes that Shaw hadn't been offed because at least he told her she was pretty once in a while.

04: Wonder: Magneto wonders sometimes - all the time, really - what Charles is getting up to, and then decides it's probably not watching Azazel unsuccessfully attempt to unclog the toilet after Riptide exudes his wrath on it during burrito night.

05: Worry: Their worry over where money will come from ("maybe we can sledgehammer Emma up into little pieces of diamond and sell her for cash," Azazel suggests helpfully) is somewhat assuaged when Magneto realizes that he has both the ability to manipulate bank vault locks, and the moral ambiguity not to care whose valuables he's stealing.

06: Whimsy: How to decorate the living room area is a constant source of conflict - Mystique is fiercely determined to get a Beatles poster up somewhere, whereas Emma seems to think floral print-everything is remotely acceptable - until Magneto declares that it's to remain decor-free, and refuses to hear another word about it.

07. Waste/wasteland: The apartment they finally manage to secure, with Mystique transforming herself into a brisk-looking business woman and flat-out lying about how many occupants will be joining her, is dingy and in a bad part of town and smells like cat even though there is no cat living there, but it's theirs, and Magneto can't help but be somewhat proud of that.

08. Whiskey and rum: Though the Brotherhood rarely has the coinage to do laundry on a regular basis, somehow, come Hell or high water, there is always enough money to scrounge up for booze.

09. War: Since they're planning to start a war against mankind, it seems right somehow that the Brotherhood would steal its cable TV access from a neighboring unit.

10. Weddings: Magneto walks in on Angel, Mystique and Emma folding laundry for the entire team and yammering about weddings, and promptly walks out again.

11. Birthday: He doesn't know how Mystique figured out it was his birthday, and the lopsided layer cake with his red-and-purple frosting visage drawn across the top that she and Angel try their hand at is pathetic, at best, but Magneto sighs and eats the piece they proffer him on a cheap paper plate anyways.

12. Blessing: Magneto assumes it will be a blessing the day that Emma and Azazel finally fuck their way through the rivalry that's apparently been brewing since they both joined up with Shaw, but if anything, it just makes things worse.

13. Bias: "Well, I mean, I think Mystique has the nicest tits 'cause they're blue, but I'm like, biased," Azazel says, and then it's Riptide's turn to choose 'truth' or 'dare'.

14. Burning: Emma threatens to burn the couch they've managed to procure from a street corner because "the entire thing smells like Azazel's balls," and Magneto sighs and continues trying to balance the team checkbook.

15. Breathing: Thin walls and Azazel's sleep apnea make for some aggravating nights for all, until Emma takes matters into her own hands and shoves a dirty sock into his mouth; Azazel calls her a bitch, but somehow manages to be quieter after that.

16. Breaking: It's not the dropping and breaking the half-full bottle of perfectly good alcohol that chafes Magneto so much as it is the fact that the person-in-question (he suspects Emma just because she's been really salty lately) didn't bother to clean up the mess and now his cape smells like cheap wine.

17. Belief: Magneto isn't sure whether he believes in a higher power anymore, if he ever did, but he figures somebody has to be watching out for him when Emma stalls mid-rant (something about Azazel farting at her on purpose, maybe) because a dusty box of store-brand macaroni falls out of the cupboard she's opening and hits her directly in the face.

18. Balloon: He pops a child's balloon on purpose as he passes by the small, squalling thing on his way to mail an anonymous postcard to Westchester, and it's his first genuine smile in a week.

19. Balcony: The apartment has a small stoop, and the act of standing outside and staring at nothing would be peaceful, if not for the pot smoke filtering down from the balcony above.

20. Bane: He's halfway through a rant about the kinds of assholes who remove doorknobs and smoke alarm batteries so they can get away with illicit drug use more easily, when Riptide raises his hand and quietly admits that that was actually him.

21. Quiet: Riptide is a man of few words, and also a peculiar penchant for tapping his foot incessantly.

22. Quirks: It's still better than having to constantly remind Mystique to rinse out the sink when she's finished brushing her teeth, however.

23. Question: "I just think it would sound more professional if we called this a lair, don't you?"

24. Quarrel: Nothing sets Emma Frost off faster than Azazel existing, basically.

25. Quitting: Magneto occasionally considers quitting the sophisticated path of supervillainy down which he has set off; being told when he wakes up, with a hangover, no less, that Mystique "accidentally" burned a hole through his cape with the iron makes this one of those times.

26. Jump: He feels like a bad leader when he learns that some of the Brotherhood (sans Emma, who wouldn't be caught dead around anything that might ruin her hair, clothing, or mani-pedi) has taken to dumpster-diving, but he's relieved when it results in the addition of a couple of loose-legged chairs and a desk to the apartment.

27. Jester: Sometimes, when Riptide gets properly soused, he likes to try his hand at joke-telling, though it's almost always a bust since he can never remember the correct punchline.

28. Jousting: It's really important to Magneto that everybody in the Brotherhood learns to fight properly, which to him means fists and feet; it takes one scrapping session with Angel before he has to institute a "no groin-kicks" policy, and also asks her not to wear heels again.

29. Jewel: Magneto has to make Emma reluctantly promise not to stand at the foot of Azazel's bed anymore in diamond form and stare at him while he sleeps, and he wonders whether Charles has to deal with this kind of thing at his mutant daycare center.

30. Just: "Just take your hair out of the drain every time you finish showering and we won't have a problem anymore," Angel screams at Emma's apathetically retreating back.

31. Smirk: Emma smirks at him whenever he chances taking the helmet off; "he's sure on your mind a lot," she baits, and Magneto chucks a pillow at her head.

32. Sorrow: Magneto isn't sure he truly knows sorrow until he returns to the apartment ("lair," Angel corrects him with a stern frown) after killing people at an anti-mutant rally, only to find that nobody has saved him any of the cardboard pizza that they've nonetheless left the empty box from sitting on top of the overflowing garbage can.

33. Stupidity: When questioned about it later, Riptide will only say that it seemed like a good idea at the time to practice making tornadoes in the laundry room, "because it gets good acoustics."

34. Serenade: Being serenaded by a cacophony of screaming, accompanied by a bevy of thrown kitchen utensils and an airborne turkey is how Magneto realizes it's Thanksgiving.

35. Sarcasm: Magneto isn't sure Charles Xavier is capable of sarcasm, but he changes his mind when the other man figures out where they're staying and sends him a postcard in return, complete with, "Sounds like things are going well!" and a smiley face; Charles is officially the Master of Passive-Aggression, he decides.

36. Sordid: None of the washing machines in the complex are working, but he's pretty sure there isn't one article of clothing in the entire apartment that hasn't been worn four times and/or peed on because Emma is a bathroom hog and everyone has to get ready for work at the same time, so Magneto decides a trip to the laundromat is in order.

37. Soliloquy: It's a dark place that causes Magneto to drunk-dial his most hated/loved enemy one night, his door locked, cradling a bottle of scotch and talking kind of loudly over the sound of the tiny box A.C. in his room, his complaints a mournful soliloquy that Charles is nice enough not to repeat to anyone or even acknowledge the next day.

38. Sojourn: He's pretty sure he proposed another mutant recruitment road trip in the midst of blubbering about scales in the sink and people "forgetting" to flush and food that magically disappears once it's placed in their shitty refrigerator, and he's even more sure that Charles was wistfully about two seconds away from taking him up on it.

39. Share: That Azazel can and will play chess with him is somewhat soured by the fact that he keeps up a constant stream of chatter about things he likes to do with his tail, mostly since it throws Magneto off of his game.

40. Solitary: Magneto claims he needs his own room because he can strategize better in self-imposed solitary confinement, but he's privately glad whenever Mystique joins him in bed.

41. Nowhere: That this leaves the rest of the Brotherhood to share the remaining bedroom, and that Magneto has chosen to lord over the only part of the apartment with an air conditioner does not seem to concern him, much to their chagrin.

42. Neutral: "I just don't think it matters whether you wipe back to front," Azazel tells Emma, still refusing to choose 'dare' because he knows better.

43. Nuance: He realizes that "groovy" is a colloquialism shared by Charles and Raven after a week or so of Mystique tacking it onto the end of every other sentence.

44. Near: It's odd hearing Charles' voice in his head again, but he admits faint enjoyment of it as he scrubs his hair, and an even deeper enjoyment when Charles has to take the Cerebro helmet off temporarily so he can go properly yell at Havoc for breaking an expensive family heirloom.

45. Natural: Raven rolls her eyes as the other female occupants of the bathroom once again turn a relatively peaceful morning routine into an argument over whether Angel's weave or Emma's bleached, blown-out 'do is less natural.

46. Horizon: On the horizon, as he gets closer to the apartment complex, Magneto spots the familiar flashing of police car lights in the parking lot, and realizes that it must be Friday.

47. Valiant: "Look, if a cat asks your permission first, then okay, but you can't just wake her up by smacking her in the face with your dick," Angel argues vehemently, while Riptide and Azazel shake their heads mutinously in disagreement.

48. Virtuous: When it is made common knowledge that Riptide owns a pair of Batman underwear, Magneto isn't sure his face will ever stop looking disappointed.

49. Victory: When Magneto returns to an empty apartment after sending the Brotherhood off on a group mission, he can't help but wander around in awe, peering into rooms and reminding himself that this isn't like the last time he thought he was alone and then walked in on Azazel and Mystique making out like a couple of cats in heat on his bed.

50. Defeat: He drives by the mansion in Azazel's van because he's pretty sure Charles won't know it's him since the windows are pretty dark and he's wearing sunglasses underneath his helmet, and happens upon Xavier's gifted youngsters feasting outdoors on fresh barbecue; Charles frowns at the vehicle from his wheelchair, and Magneto has to punch himself in the balls to convince himself not to turn up the driveway and start shoving pieces of chicken down his suit.


End file.
